Posting on livejournal is a complete waste of time and I'm basically just talking to hear(see?) myself speak. It's like I'm 16 and emo and saying "I'm so lonely. Read my fanfic."

I wonder if I can ever get to a point where I will have a psychologically healthy relationship. I know I didn't fuck this one up (well, I made certain contributions) but it's now a lot easier to see what I did wrong or not well or was just plain stupid - like co-dependancy ("i will think about you all the time no matter what oops i'm failing chemistry because i cn't even concentrate on school")and punishing (oh I'm big on punishing, I love to do it) and picking at old wounds (they are like scabs, I like to watch them bleed every two days so they never heal). I just want to be a grown up! I mean I guess it helps if the person you are with has the capacity to be mature and nurturing and healthy themselves, but, you know, that kind of thing has to come from within, you know? The thing is I feel I feel pretty decent in my interactions with others and internally I do respect myself and take care of myself (although, I've got to find a way to work through some of this anger, it doesn't seem to be the type to just go away, it's like every day I get more and more pissed off and sometimes I just want to smash her face, but, alas, I love her too) but get me in a relationship and I am a crazy nagging harpy shrew who doesn't know how to respect the other person as a feeling thing capable of her own hurt and joy and perception (all things must be seen my way, you know). God I'm almost 23 and my last two relationships ended just about as badly as anything could end and never should have happened that way if both parties were healthy people, sound people, people who are secure and supported and give/receive unconditional love. I need to grow the fuck up.

Anyway, school is going decently now that I've dropped chemistry and taken an incomplete in physics. So little to worry about. I just want it to be next year.

I feel like there's so much going on that I can't even write it all down. What was once a primary form of communication for me (eljay) is now, like what, an dumping site for throwaway emo thoughts. I mean that's okay. My life is more real than it ever has been.

So the past months have totally altered me and my relationships and my place in the world. The opium den has always been forefront in all our minds but now there's this crazy amalgamation (is that the word? whatevs) of two groups - the fortress, the opium den. Morgan and I spent like an hour tripping on that shit - how things change, where we all were a year, or two, ago... how if Jessi would have never met us, on the same night no less, none of this would have ever happened. I love Lesley, Caitlen, et al so much, and my life would be incomplete without them.

Fritz and Morgan and I did ecstasy on saturday and I feel like that experience totally changed me. You know the two things that make you grow the most as a person - love and drugs, man. I felt so good. I felt so connected. It's all inside anyway, this is just a way to let it out, like any beautiful thing you do does.

things aren't always good. I've been an asshole. I've been stressed. I've fucked up, hella. But it's not always like that, and I don't have to let my behaviour/actions get into this crazy spiral/domino thing that I always do. I just, you know, I want to be good to those that are good to me.

By the way, just so you know, I'm in love - and she's the center for me to circle in this crazy gorgeous adventurous 22nd year of my life. I just want to keep dancing.

I love her so much. As fucked up as she is, as emotionally destroyed as she is, as self destructive as she is, as unwilling to believe in herself as she is; I love her even more for it, I love every inch and every part, every thing she's said to me, every touch or kiss she's given me, the taste of her, the smell of her, the feel of her.
I fucking love her.
And she's gone.
I should have known.
No, the problem is, I did. I just didn't want to believe it.

i want a girlfriend.

My birthday was awesome.
Winter Solstice was hella bomb.
I passed all my classes.
I am registered for the animal behaviour class.
Life is looking really good right now.

This update comes to you mere minutes after I failed my only final; failed hardcore. I'm not that upset. If I failed the class, I'll take it again (it's not even going to set me back a quarter or anything). If I passed, sweet. I just am not concerned about my performance this quarter at all. what I should have done is dropped all my classes and waited till winter. I haven't tried to do well at all. I got behind really quickly and never made the effort to catch up. Then there was the whole crisis about changing my major.
I don't know what I want right now. I think I want to do well in school then I go and fuck that up. I am in such a weird spot. I need to let the whole past two weeks go. I found myself getting very deppressed the past week, hence the whole not studying at all thing. I think it's my job. I love my job but there are certain people being incredibly negative about the baker creek move. And I feel guilty about leaving Adrianna.
Well, this rest of this month is devoted to being happy again, which I had such a good grasp on all of fall. I am going to enjoy my job and my friends and spend every penny I make.

it's a goddamn travesty, y'all.

life is good y'all. what little of it i can remeber, ha.

no really, though this was supposed to be our sober month (lord knows that was never gonna happen) i ahve more than enjoyed blazing with my ladies and gentlemen and having many nights of hookah, road trips out to the county, and the all the opium den has to offer.

i got the perfect tapestry for my room, and an amazing bong that suits me in every way. i named her pele, she is small, gorgeous, and tempermental. i have to say she has seriously improved my smoking experiences.

i am officially dating a lady, her name is megan and she is beautiful and fun and so genuine. her hair is long and strawberry blonde. i am having a lot of fun with her, though she is on vacation the next two weeks.

due to my overzealous drug use i am one poor bitch who is seriously unable even to buy toilet paper. it hella sucks but we gon' get through it. smoke through the pain, bitch.

i am content, but things are stirring.

well, this week has been pretty interesting. many good times with my friends (the swimming pool, our tans, road trippin', deciding we ain't gon' stop blazin') and i met a beautiful, funny and smart lady friend whom I am going out with on a date later this week.
so, just to balance the good times out, fritz and i got robbed, pretty everything we own besides our clothes and kitchen was stolen (they stole paraphanelia, beer, bobby pins (?) as well as all the usual stuff and wonderful sentimental things we can never get back.) they left our door open and our cat julian was gone. luckily he's back, so everything will eventually be ok. still, scary experience. i slept with the light on last night.
life's a mothafuckin' roller coaster y'all.

So the past few days have been very chill. Kelly and Emily have been staying with us, and it is hella bomb that we just get to chill every night with those girls. Fun roomate times, y'all. Of course we have been killing 40 sacks like every night which could be a problem.... but hey, it's summer. Melissa hella hooked us up with some shake though, so we will have a supply for awhile... at least a couple of days.

I am back in full swing at the humane society and it is wonderful. It's definitely strange to be in customer service, but come Nov 1st, I will probably be in animal care again as we are taking over the county contract for animal control services to the county (right now we just cover city limits of bham, blaine, ferndale, and sumas) including a additional building which will have to be fully staffed.

I saw Harry Potter last night with the fam, and it so good. Definitely the best movie so far and definitely made me stoked to read the last book.

My cousin Jamey moved here randomly last week and is now staying at my mom's house while he finds an apartment with my brother. I am so excited that he's here, I've always loved hanging out with that kid.

Anyway, life's good, now I just need to figure out some shit.

Opium makes me feel so good about everything in life.

Well, last night was a cluster fuck of epic proportions. I went to a foam party at Rumours, got hella fucked up, eventually kicked out of the bar by the bouncer, lost my shirt and mysteriously was wearing someone else's red t shirt, somehow wound in fairhaven with some hotass straight girl and her sketchy male friends, fucked the girl and narrowly escaped sexual assualt by one of her friends, and eventually made in back to my apartment after my mom came and rescued me, and then spent a good hour or so sobbing and not really knowing who I was anymore.
Let me just say, I have never blacked out before, and it was hella scary, and I am freaking out that there are huge chunks of last night that I cannot remember.
To top it off I am sick now and have a raging fever.
Oh, oh, and then Donna emails me, telling me she's sorry and she still loves me, and basically rips open my newly healing heart.
God, my life!

So guess what bitches, I filled my quota. In less than a week of actively trying. And none of it was janky.
That's right. Ain't nobody.
So anyway, today has been so nice. I called in sick to work and spent the day lounging. I needed it after last night, yo. I'm about to eat some ramen and clean the place up. My ladies (all y'all) best be coming over tonight.
I saw a cute gay girl outside Clark's yesterday, she's essentially exactly what I am looking for (aka hip and sexy and worthy of my company) with her glasses and her 501's and her emo sweater vest. It shall be my new mission to find her and make her my summer fling.
so yes. Time to begin a new quota. Six. Six total by september. I best get crackin', yo.

So this morning was a shit storm. Got a call from my mom saying that Jake had a stoke. So I left work (sobbing in front of customers too) and came home and it was pretty apparent he needed to be put to sleep. Poor Jake's back end was completely paralyzed and he looked quite dazed. Penny and some other wonderful people from the humane society came to euthenize him, and it went really well. He wasn't in any pain, was totally calm the whole time, and just lay there being loved on. it was very peaceful and I'm so grateful that Penny was there for me like that.
But it is so fucking sad. he was my first baby. I console myself with the thought that he lived a long good life and was in very little pain at the end but it is still hard. I miss him already. His absence is like a huge hole in this house.
My poor brother and sister are out of town and didn't even get to say goodbye.
Well, thank god for road trips and pizza and beer.

Last night turned out to be rather cathartic for me. After work I got dinner and Ice cream with Robbie and Colleen and got lots of insightful, wise break-up and advice and commiseration. Afterwards I hit up Rumours with my mom and her besties for the Betty show and danced with a super-hot Victoria Beckham (but not as akinny) look-alike, who unfortunately turned to be straight but it was hella fun anyway. Though my mom did get some 22 year old girl's number and a kiss. Bitch.
Afterwards Fritz and I chilled on our porch and poured our broken hearts out to each other and that was so wonderful. Not that I would wish it on anyone but it's so nice to have a friend who's going through the exact same thing and feels pretty much the same way. After our conversation I felt much more at peace and I am trying to keep that feeling going.
So now I am about to eat dinner on the porch with my four-legged boys and then head to bed. Oh summer nights.

I am so sick of walking around on the verge of tears all the time. I start crying at the drop of a hat, even at work. I can't handle all this. I'm so tired of it. I just want to run away. Not really from this town (though god knows there's another damn memory around every street corner) but from my feelings.
I just want to be in the comforting cocoon of another relationship like right now. Or just never fall in love again.
I hate sleeping alone.

So this has been a very strange week. It started off so wonderfully. Smokin' the hookah, staying up late with my besties, blazing through work to get back to the party. But it has all left me feeling more than a little empty inside. It's most certainly not the company; I couldn't ask for better friends. But yesterday I admitted to Fritz that I am more than a little depressed and can't seem to be happy, no matter how much fun I'm having.
I mean, we all know this is about my failed relationship. For something that hurt me so much while I was in it, it sure hurts without it as well. I know I need to let myself grieve and then let go and get back to living, but I feel like I am stuck in this horrible limbo of "what-if" and "I should have". I keep hearing from people that I did all I could, that I can't hold myself responsible, but I do, and I can't stop.
I think this would be much easier if I knew we could be friends. But I feel like everything we ever were to each other is dead to her now, and it's horrible to know that you are nothing to the person you were once everything to. I want to be important still. I hate these fragile connections we make. I gave everything to her, and now she won't even talk to me. It's so useless. Why put so much of yourself to building a bond with someone, only to have it snapped in half.
I guess I am grieving, but it's slow going, and I just want it to be over. Where is my summer of fun? I fought so hard for it, and now I can't enjoy it.

My vacation was mostly wonderful. Pride was hella fun, as you know the gays usually make it. The oregon coast is so goddamn beautiful and we got four amazingly warm sunny days and only one rainy one. We mostly played on the beach with a few excursions into town and one to the delicious tillamook cheese factory. It was lots of fun, and so much great food. Saturday night us girls hit up the club and got smashed on mike's and pbr, and oggled the pretty sixteen year olds at the underage queer club... and then whored up sheri's of course. Jessi cut my hair the next morning and it's short and cute.
After a six hour greyhound bus ride home, last night I had a wonderful welcome home experience with my girls and Fritz. Oh Alexandre, how I had missed you.
Today was my first day of work, it was pretty boring but it should be fun once I get to do more stuff. For some reason I love helping customers. I am scheduled for about 30 hours a week, booyah.
Anyway, I'm about to have a delightful sit in the sun with my shrimp ramen and a book. Then it's an early bedtime for me.

So here I am, getting ready to go to queerfest in volunteer park. I dyed my hair this morning, dark brown to get rid of those nasty grown out highlights... it looks really good, I think. Darker than I've had my hair in about a year. So basically what I'm trying to to say is I look really hot.

This week was amazing. Fritz and I have coined our place the opium den, and he got a sweet hookah that we have all been enjoying every night. We're gonna get a bunch of tapestries and throw pillow and sexify the place.

I managed to find a job, I now work at Clark's Feed n Seed starting July 2nd. Makin' nine bucks an hour, yo. Holla. I think the job will be pretty fun.

So yeah, life is amazing right now. I'm in love with my new home and my new roomate and the hookah... and I'm on a 8 day vacation right now with absolutely no responsibilities. It is so nice.

Oh bastard, somehow I did only a 3.4 in Biology. Well, whatevs, I still gots me a 4.0 in computer sceince.
So the job search is going very poorly... mostly because I haven't actually gone out and looked yet. But I'm putting together a resume right now.